I can feel your presence. But you felt so far from my reach. The light where I kneel is dim and fading. But you’re radiating. Your precious but you’re angry I can tell and you hold a tight fist against your chest. Such strong, yet such gentle hands. We both allow silence to speak it all. I squint my eyes to make out yours. Your deep, kind eyes screwed up in heated intolerance. They pinch through the shadows and stare at me with an intense blow. I don't think I can handle them, your eyes. I couldn’t run because no matter where I go you always seemed to find me. After all, you have found me here just like this. Grasping guiltily my sin in my palms. Before I can turn my face, and before I could catch my breath, you turn the other cheek, ashamed. You were disgraced and I was heartbroken. How you found out, it didn't matter. You knew what I had done and it didn't matter. You always find a way to see right through me and all the things I do to look at my true intentions. This time was no different. If you found hurtful word or spat in my face I could have taken it and been able to forget the look in your eyes. But no, all you did was turn your face. You knew what would make me break and what would be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me…I had hurt you and you were letting me know. I didn't deserve you in the first place. Why did you embrace me the way you did? No one else did. You were always so wonderful to me and forgave and you forgot. You kept no record of right or wrong. You were everything, the perfection I could never find in anything else...the perfection I could never be no matter how hard I tried. I was the scum of the earth and didn’t deserve to even be here, kneeling here…alive. And here I was…still so bitter. I did all I could to find what you had…that absolution…that beauty. I was jealous of you in the most pathetic way. I wanted what you had, oh I wanted it so badly but at the same time I loved this life…I loved this world. There was nothing left to do but fall flat on my face and beg for the forgiveness I didn’t really want. What did I want? I wanted you but I didn’t want you to change me…I couldn’t have just one of these. I cried to you, I cried your name but you didn’t answer back. In that moment, that one moment, I would have given anything to take back what I had done. I kneeled by your feet, ready for anything. But you did worse... you broke my heart. Your chin still raised you looked down at me. Your once smiling face bringing me the only warmth in my life was warped appallingly. I asked for your forgiveness, which you granted in a heartbeat. My heartbeat. The one that should have stopped the moment I was born. You always did that no matter what...you always forgave. I always lost control of my flesh, my mind, my heart and you take me back. You began to depart and I felt the only light and warmth in the room begin to extinguish. What was going to happen? You said simply I didn’t want you…I didn’t love you. I searched my mind for my true feelings. What I wanted was a mystery to my mind but to my heart…? My eyes closed and I went into a panic. What had I done? What had I given up? You left the room completely leaving me behind to struggle to find a lamp, a candle, any light at all. I soon discovered there were no more lights. I was all alone, cold and ashamed in this excruciating darkness…I started to talk to myself telling myself everything was going to be ok. This isn’t so bad…- I thought to myself. I can live like this. I can live my life without you. Could I really? I didn’t believe it deep down…but I would never admit I was in the wrong…the greatest mistake ANYONE in the world could make. I was once again aware of my deep, worthless and meaningless surroundings. I was lost in my mistakes. No more love. No more peace. No more you. The only sound now was my heartbeat in my ears and my shallow breathing. I was not surprised to find them both slowly fading. After all, this life was a vapor and it’s only a matter of time before I would be ushered into eternity….an eternity without you, Jesus.